Another Long Overdue Reflection I Finally Had Time to Write

I have thought a lot about how or what I should do in the current place that we all find ourselves after the election. Honestly, I was very intentional about who I talked to and what I posted on social media on November 9th and the weeks following. I have given myself ample space and time to process everything that I felt and am currently feeling about the results of the election. I have made the mistake of not taking care of myself in the past and know how destructive that is. Given that I do not have control in some ways, I controlled what I knew I could: myself and my well-being. I went to bed on November 8th knowing that the next day would be filled with pain and anxiety for many of the students that I work with. I burned sage to cleanse my soul and clear my mind in order to prepare for the discussion that I would be leading the following day. I woke up and arrived to work with a heavy heart as the faces I saw no longer expressed hope, but dismay. I felt the anger, anxiety, and sadness, both around and within me. Ultimately over the next week, my feelings manifested into a painful infection in my throat. I was in so much pain that it hurt to swallow my saliva and I could not focus on my studies. During both my classes that week, I got chills all over my body and at times became lightheaded. I took time off to heal, but that was not enough. I slept, I stopped studying, I took medication, and I visited mi mama. Her love and the love of my family is what helped me make a speedy recovery physically and emotionally.
At this point, fear is still present and I think it was always there, it just wasn't real enough or serious enough. Yes, my family has been affected by federal policies of deportation in the past, and we overcame it. However, the fear that I and many of us have now is different. It's as if you're watching a huge, dangerous storm approach and even though you have done everything in your power to prepare for it, there is still no way to know if you will survive it. The uncertainty around this feeling of fear is... beyond fear, it's terrifying. I hold nationality privilege in this country because I am a U.S. citizen, but there are 11 million people in the U.S. that do not, including some of my family members. I hold religious privilege because I have never been persecuted for my beliefs in the way that the Muslim community has.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you all that it is going to be okay because I don't know that for certain. What I do know is that this is not the first time that we have been in this position as a country. Yes, it is unfortunate that we have taken a step back into the often romanticized times of the 1950's. Nonetheless, we have been in this position before. And in these times of uncertainty came many rays of hope in the forms of leaders and movements that made significant contributions to create a better tomorrow for us. Our duty now is to learn from past leaders and movements in order to also create and change the course of our tomorrow. We must pull from their great words and spirits in our moments of despair. Below you will find a video from an amazing and righteous womxn named Alicia Garza, a co-founder of the Black Lives Matter movement. In this video she speaks on how she keeps fighting. Her words lifted my spirits and I hope that they lift yours as well. In her words, will you join me on this train of change and liberation? Regardless of if you accept my invitation or not, the train is moving. The decision is yours.



I will also leave you with a quote from a piece of art created by Tatyana Fazlalizadeh:

America is Black.
It is Native.
It wears a hijab.
It is a Spanish speaking tongue.
It is a migrant.
It is a womxn.
It is here.
Has been here.
AND IT'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.


Cuidate y cuidense, take care of yourself and take care of each other.
In Lak'ech.

In solidarity,
alex.

I am

I am loud
But I am not obnoxious.
I am strong
And I come from raizes fuertes.

My journey has been beautiful.

That’s why I am who I am.

I take great pride in my resilience

But I wish I was more vulnerable.

For whatever reason, I have never

Been afraid of success and always afraid of failure.

I am aware of the struggles mi gente endures

But I don’t know much about how to make it better.

I am not like you, I am my own theory.

I struggle with not being in control and asking for help.

I cringe at the sound of the words, “Speak English. You’re in amerika.”

I question the ideologies on which this country was founded.

I am not comfortable in White spaces.

I worry about whether I will be successful.

I am affected by society’s unwillingness to be compassionate.

I am afraid of failing more than once.

But I still wake up every morning

Because I love myself and my support network.

I appreciate the love that I receive on a daily basis;

Love that people wish for and I sometimes take for granted.

I value realness and rawness.

And I search for comfort and empowerment.

I am a product of my culture.

I am an educated muxer, Mexicana, Chingona, y poderosa.

My existence is resistance.

A cliché reflection piece because I need it

I'm not typically one to follow the current. So I'm not one to write and share a long, cliché reflection post. I march to the beat of my own drum for a reason. Yet, here I am about to do just that. However, I'm doing it for me; because writing is an outlet that helps me be me, understand me, and love me.

I am not going to tell you "I'm stronger than ever" or "2015 sucked." What I am going to tell you is that 2015 was a year of self-love and choosing happiness. I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin as I do now. Do you know how empowering that is? It's amazing. Don't get me wrong, I have off days, too (cue J. Cole's "Nobody's Perfect"), but overall, I love myself. And I've felt this way for most of my life. I did things for me, to better myself. I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled to demonstrate that love. I wore things that made me feel great. I nourished my mind by reading articles about things that interest me. I spent time alone. I took myself out on dates. I prayed. Additionally, I chose to be happy. I could have easily been negative and sad for the entire year if I wanted to, but I said "FOR WHAT?!" There was no point to me. I have lived happily all my life. Why stop now? I decided to do the things that made me the happiest: laughing, being with my family, and traveling. I laughed and laughed and laughed until my stomach and cheeks hurt, with family/friends. I spent quality time with my family after not living with them for a year. I traveled to our majestic Rocky Mountains, Costa Rica, and Moab. Again, off days happened, but I made the decision to dust myself off the next day and try again (shout out to Aaliyah).

Both of these things combined have made me feel so fulfilled and whole from the inside out. Because I loved myself, the choice to be happy was simple. What I have noticed is that people tend to be drawn to my happiness and my energy. I have been asked time and time again, "Why/how are you so happy?" and I would always respond with "I don't know, just because!" My response recently changed to, "Because I choose to be happy, no matter what happens." I could be at my lowest low one day, but I will always find a reason to laugh or smile. I will literally be crying, talking through my feelings with a close friend and by the end of it, I'm cracking up, crying tears of joy. Why? Because my track record for getting through bad days is 100% so far. And that is pretty good. So why stress? Why dwell? I let myself feel all the emotions I need to feel and then proceed to do what I need to be happy again. It's a choice. Life is full of choices.
So there you have it, friends. The secret to life. I choose to continue doing these things.
What will you choose?

bless up.
-alex

It's not JUST clothes; it is treasure and it is resistance.

My old roommate thinks I'm mean because I wouldn't openly share clothes and/or shoes with her. If she really needed something then I would be like "oh here this works for you." But it was very rare. 

One time at my graduation dinner, she was telling my sorority sisters about how I don't share clothes. And I said something along the lines of, "It's because, to me, clothes are not a commodity (even though they really are haha). I struggled for a long time to find clothes that fit and to develop a style that was flattering for my body. So those are not just clothes. They are little treasures that I fell in love with in many thrift store/Old Navy/Target dressing rooms. Those moments when I was able to look in the mirror, feel comfortable in my skin and feel good about the clothes on my body."

To elaborate my awkward pre-teen and teen years further:
I vividly remember crying at the store many, many times when I couldn't fit into the shoes or clothes that I liked. It was so sad and traumatizing. And I'm sure many of you can relate. Yes, even womxn that are smaller than me can relate because we all had an awkward stage when we were younger. For me it was particularly difficult to find shoes! (I have wide feet.) Fuck! Everyone needs shoes at least ya know! They wore out after a year and you almost always needed to get a new pair at the beginning of the school year. It sucked! And I'm sure my mom felt bad for me too because she was there every time that this happened and comforted me.

So YES! I am very protective of my clothing! I'm not going to let you borrow shit unless I know I can trust that a.) you won't also fall in love with it or b.) you won't just simply forget to give it back.
Now that I know where to shop and what fits well, I'm happy, more confident, and excited to get dressed on a weekly basis. And don't get me wrong, I love my jeans, t-shirts, sweats, and lounge wear. Lord knows pants and dresses can only be comfortable for so long! But I am very content that I have a nice, thought out, fitting wardrobe to dress myself for work and going out on the town. ;)

My wardrobe empowers me! My wardrobe symbolizes my resistance to an industry that does not accommodate womxn of my size as widely as womxn that are smaller than me. They are my shield and weapon in this society that is so consumed with being perfect and thin. I am perfectly imperfect. And I love it. And I will go to war to defend my love for my body (with words of course :) ).

I've never said that out loud or written it anywhere. And I believe this has value. My experience demonstrates struggle and human-ness. #thestuggleisreal (I say is, and not was, because I still struggle to find clothing that fits, I just don't cry about it anymore. I move on to the next article of clothing in my pile with even more hope that I will find a new treasure.) ☺️Call me selfish all you want, but a lot of the clothes I have took a lot time to find; sifting through clothes that was extra small or size 5. Or a size XL, but shrunken to a medium after so many washes. (If you know me, you know time is particularly valuable to me.)Thank god I have patience for clothes shopping at least! Lol!

I also destress when I thrift/shop. #retailtherapy
I'm sure my Tía/Madrina can relate.
Also, bargains!! No better feeling than to find something you love (and it fits) on sale/clearance. Or flash sales at Goodwill.

ya feel me or nah?

-alex.

**Bonus pic to get into the Halloween spirit.

Things Mi Mamá Taught Me

how to be independent

how to be self-sufficient

how to be strong

how to be supportive

how to be a mother

how to love unconditionally

how to take care of your body

how to take care of others

how to stand your ground

how to laugh with all your heart

how to hug

how to with cook with sazón

how to not give a fuck and live freely

how to drive

how to cry when you're fed up
how to be powerful

how to communicate effectively

how to be silent when necessary

how to not be silent

how to be patient

how to learn

how to think critically

how to sing fearlessly

how to dance like no one is watching

mi mamá is the foundation of my being, of my existance, of my knowledge

i am nobody without mi mamá